Back again.

[katernater]

Back from hiatus and, though I have not been actively posting here, I have been following my friends' page and trying to keep up with everything that's been happening (farstepper, I'm looking at you in particular and sending best wishes for a speedy recovery). So far, what I have been able to ascertain is that a new X-Men movie came out and more than half of you are excited about it, and the other half of you are watching Game of Thrones (which I am excited about), but that no matter who you are or what you're watching, you all find James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender incredibly attractive. I have not been able to get out to see X-Men: First Class yet, mostly because I am not really sure where the theater in this town is located. And because I still feel weird about going to see movies by myself. The only two movies I've seen on my own have been Iron Man and Thor (while I was home for the last term break) and that was okay because the chances of me running into someone I knew were rather slim back home. Here, I'm paranoid that I'm going to go to the theater and there's going to be a whole crowd of my students there, and I will have to explain why it's not weird for a twenty-seven-year-old woman to go to the theater by herself to watch Professor X and Magneto try to get into each other's X-suits.

My refrigerator has not been refrigerating lately. I've had a bunch of food go off because the temperature hasn't been low enough to keep things fresh. And, get this, my brain has been in such a state lately that I've actually thought I was faking myself out about it. Like, there's no way that this fridge couldn't be refrigerating; it has to be my imagination. But after I bought fresh strawberries and they went off a few days later, I knew I had to make a call. I got in touch with maintenance while I was at work this afternoon and by the time I got home they had installed a brand new refrigerator. They had even arranged all of my stuff in the new one! I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to drink water that is not room temperature.

I guess the whole refrigerator problem is indicative of how things have been going for me lately. Not that I'm falling behind or freaking out, but there just seems to be a lot more pressure riding on this term than there was before. I've started waking up in the wee small hours of the morning with ideas for lesson plans. When my alarm goes off I can't remember them. To my credit, I'm taking more responsibility and initiative than I have in the past. At work and in class, I want to make sure that I am on target with the expectations of the program so I have been checking in more than usual, making sure that my superiors are aware of the trajectory of my class and my impressions of problematic students. All of this cross-checking and attention to minutia wears me down though, and by the end of the week I'm pretty much good for nothing but a good collapse into bed. At the same time I'm making a conscious effort to break out of my comfort zone by saying "yes" to outside activities that would usually put me off. This weekend, for instance, the school is taking a trip to an amusement park. I think I might go, if only to chaperone. I haven't been on a rollercoaster since high school. It's so weird, because I like to think of myself as this gregarious, outgoing person a lot of the time but there are just so many occasions when I fall back on seclusion rather than take a risk by going out with other people. I'm trying to train myself to not immediately shut down when invited to do things; I'm twenty-seven and I have been "safe" for a lot of my life. Not that I'm signing up for recklessness lessons or anything, but I don't want to look back on my life in ten years and regret not making the effort to go out and do things.

After work I went to get my hair cut for the summer. They took off about two-and-a-half inches of length, added some layers and framed my face. I think it looks pretty good. It also felt kind of like a transition exercise: getting rid of something heavy and old in order to be lighter, different. There are so many signs of change around me that I felt like a physical manifestation of that change would help me to accept it more readily.

Plus, if I fluff it out I've kind of got a 'Joan Jett' thing goin' on.

I am also making a conscious effort to take better care of myself, physically. I have begun an exercise regimen and started watching my diet. I am already feeling better. If I can manage the physical I feel like it will be a gateway to understanding the emotional and the psychological. Ultimately, I've got to be proactive in my own life. I have to trust myself and my instincts, allow myself to have emotions and to get frustrated when I'm frustrated. I've been reading a lot more. Praying a lot more. Singing and dancing a lot more. And I'm doing it for myself. The process is incremental and a lot of the time it seems I'm no further along the path to understanding myself than I was a year or two ago. But I'm getting there. I don't think I'll ever fully understand why I am the way that I am, but I hope to be able to find peace with that person and that I will come to love myself for who I am. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that.

Comments

[another-myself.livejournal.com]

There's my prettyface. <3

It's good to have you back with us, though I can tell the break did you good. Your new hair looks amazing, and I'm so proud of the steps you've been taking to do things for yourself.

If it's all right, i'd like to make a suggestion? When it comes to things coming to your mind in the middle of the night, I'm right there with you. What I do is keep a journal and pen beside my bed. Then if something does come along and wake me up, I just scribble it down before I forget. Even if you can't remember exactly what it is that you're thinking of, sometimes a few choice words or phrases - or even a doodle - can help jog your memory in the morning. And I've found that it puts me back at peace to go back to sleep once I've written them down.

You're giving yourself very good advice. I'm so very, very proud.

[ceitfianna]

*hugs* Your hair looks wonderful and going out and saying yes tends to lead to good things. I'm trying to do that more this summer and now I'm helping with a book fair.

Going to movies with friends and on your own can both be fun. I like going on my own sometimes because I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks about my reaction. I discovered how much I enjoyed it when I lived abroad as it became a treat for me. Friends are good for talking about things but there are ways to do that.

Keep taking care of yourself and being gentle with yourself.

[awesomesquared.livejournal.com]

Sometimes when your life gets really busy and people are pulling you in all different directions, the only thing you've got is a trip to the movies by yourself, or some exercise, or taking the time to prepare a meal, or anything like that. Take those moments as diamonds and cherish them, they're so few and far between.

I've kept you in my thoughts over the past weeks and I hope you're doing well and will continue to do well. *hug*

[antiquitea.livejournal.com]

Glad to see you're back and doing well, hun. *hugs* Taking time for yourself and doing things that you want is really important. And you seem to be doing that and doing well. I'm thinking about you!

Also, your hair looks lovely. :)

[farstepper.livejournal.com]

I like the haircut. Super cute, friend.

I am glad, too, that you are taking good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You very much deserve a full, total, and happy life.