Twentysomething.

[katernater]

I don't know where my brain has been the last couple of weeks. I mean, have you ever actually felt your personality shifting? Like, suddenly you sense your preferences and focus moving from one phase of your life to another? I'm twenty-six years old and, over the last few weeks, I've really felt the gravity of my age. Not that there's a whole lot of force behind being twenty-six or anything, except that it's typically the time in your life when you're supposed to have your act together. I suppose it's because I'll be finishing my Master's degree come December and, after that, the story is largely unwritten. I don't know if I'll have a job, or a source of steady income, or any real direction other than trying to figure out what the next sixty years of my life are going to be like. Academia has always been my rudder, and now that I've largely finished what I set out to do -- obtain a higher degree and get some life experience -- I'm sort of bereft of a gameplan. What do you do when you're about to finish the only real objective you've had since you were old enough to know what objectives actually were? Do you get a new one? Find something else? Another brass ring? A few more accolades to add to the pile? Are you allowed to take it easy? Travel? Start a novel -- or a band -- that never goes anywhere?

I look at all the people in the world who have survived being twenty-six and I just marvel that they had the resilience to get on with things. That they all seemed to have a plan for the rest of their lives or, failing that, they were able to fall into a series of happy accidents that charted their late twenties and early thirties. Where is the manual for my life, and may I please get expedited shipping?

Also, in what I hope is a completely unrelated manifestation of my subconscious, I have been dreaming about babies more and more often. But not having them, or being pregnant -- I dream about people giving me babies. Like, "Oh, we're not using this infant at the moment; KATE, DO YOU WANT A BABY?" To which my dream!self replies "Sure!" and then promptly forgets about taking care of it in favour of buying shoelaces with Sean Penn or something. I do not know what this means. I do know that, if I am too lazy to keep more than two pairs of lace-up shoes in my closet, I should not be trusted with the life of another human being.

Growing up is weird.

Comments

gameplan?

[affablestranger.livejournal.com]

Heck, Kate. (Not Hecate. lol) I'll be forty in September, and I still feel that way. Except the bit about the babies and shoelaces.

I know a huge amount of people, and most of them are the super goal-oriented types with plans and charts and timelines and to-do lists detailing all the things they're going to do to get to where they want to be and at what time they should arrive. If you haven't been able to tell over the years we've known one another over Teh 'Netz, I am not one of those people. That makes life difficult sometimes, seeing as how we live in a world of plans and charts and timelines and to-do lists detailing all manner of everything having to do with everything else. I just do my thing, my work, and make my accomplishments as I go. There's no real gameplan for me. I know the direction I want to go, and I do work to maintain it but remain unbegrudgingly flexible to accommodate things that happen that are unplanned, because often, for me at least, I sometimes find those days are where the fun and happiness live.

I know the way I live isn't for everyone, especially those with Big Dreams. "Happy Accidents" is more like my life. I'm just saying it's okay (IMHO) not to have the grand masterplan at the outset. I have a feeling you'll do alright anyway. :)