And gallantly he chickened out

[katernater]

Earlier tonight, I was lying on the couch in the living room, watching Chris Carter's beautiful testament to the miracle of in-vitro fertilization ("If you love her enough to say it with flowers, just think of how much more you can scream it with your swimmers in a specimen cup.") when this huge -- and I mean HUGE -- spider walked around the corner and started across the carpet toward the edge of the couch. This thing had an abdomen as big as a bing cherry. You could fit a map of Asia and Russia on there, with room to spare for all those little, incidental occupied countries. It stopped about a foot and a half away from me, big body twitching (and pulsing with poison, probably) and we stared at one another, two eyes against eight. Remarkably, for being a couple of rungs higher on the food chain, the sight of this particular spider pushed me back a couple of evolutionary epochs. I hate spiders. As a kid, I used to have these awful nightmares of being sucked into the mouths of giant spiders and spun out the back of them, like human gossamer. Based on childhood trauma, it was clear that this particular spider and I weren't going to get along. At all.

My dad always taught my brother and me that you never, ever take the life of another living thing (with the exception of mosquitos and phone solicitors), so I couldn't bring myself to squish the thing with my shoe (which I don't think I could bring myself to do anyway -- more than the spider itself, I think I'm afraid of the, uh, squish that it'd leave behind) so I made sure that it looked like it was asleep before I got up off the couch to find a cup and paper to use to put it outside.

When I got back, implements in hand, the spider had moved. It was now stretched out on the ridge of carpet separating the living room from the foyer, long legs creeping over the divide. I steeled myself and started to put the cup over it (I made sure that I had a glass with a wide mouth -- there was no way I was risking unintentional contact) when it jumped toward the tv. JUMPED. LIKE A KANGAROO. I took one look at it in its new locale and said, "...Well, fuck that." I put the cup and paper back in the cabinet and got the hell out of there.

Now I'm worried that I'm going to step on it whenever I go downstairs.

I am so lame.

Comments

[another-myself.livejournal.com]

I do not blame you in the least. I am none too fond of spiders myself, after the encounter with the black and yellow monster of a thing that decided it'd be a peachy idea to set up residence outside my bedroom window. But yours jumped? Jumped? Yeah, fuck that.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

Yes, jumped. Like it was wearing moon boots.

[another-myself.livejournal.com]

If you happen to see the damned thing again, tell it Michael Jackson wants his shoes back.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

I hope I scared it away with my girly scream.

[another-myself.livejournal.com]

If all else fails, vanquish it with hairspray.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

You should be a general or something.

[another-myself.livejournal.com]

Me with firearms? That doesn't worry you?

[katernater.livejournal.com]

You with product makes me feel a whole lot better:

Nicole Meyer: Taking down insurgents one Aussie De-Tangler at a time.

[another-myself.livejournal.com]

Tell you what, there isn't a knot I can't tame. You haven't seen pictures of my youth. I had one mean rat's nest.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

My hero!

[another-myself.livejournal.com]

Now all I need is a cape and a theme song!

[smurphy487.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God.

I was watching that XF episode years ago that had the spider thing in it and later that night there was a Wolf Spider (basically the size of my hand) next to my bed. I freaked out and screamed (at the age of 24) for my dad. He came in, killed it, and took it with him to throw out. I am still in shock. I hear the flush of the toilet and Dad go back to bed and I am still scared as hell. A few minutes later I hear Dad scream "WHAT THE FUCK!" and he couldn't go back to sleep because as he said in the morning that he realized what he had killed.

That is my scary spider story.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

You know how, like, witness testimonies are pretty much useless in police cases because memory can shift and change really easily? Yeah. Looking back on it now, that spider was even more terrifying than I originally thought. I'm pretty sure it was carrying a Glock and a copy of Twilight.

[gracielu.livejournal.com]

...now see, rather than being afraid I'd step on it when I went downstairs, I'd be more afraid that it was making its way up the stairs to let me know in its dastardly spidery way, that it didn't appreciate the threat of being cupped. And then I'd lie awake with the covers pulled around me in a giant coccoon so it couldn't get to me when it finally managed to spin a web up to my bed.

But then, I'm kind of weird like that.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON.

[gracielu.livejournal.com]

I really, really am. But! I'm also a firm believer in cleaning product-ing the shit out of spiders, so I have really bad spider karma. I'm sure if your spider is on its way upstairs, it's simply to say thank you for not killing it. And then it will lay eggs under your bed in a show of gratitude. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

GAH.

[gracielu.livejournal.com]

Seriously? The little guy probably only had one good jump in him, so after showing it off for an audience, I'm sure he's making his way outside to curl up under a rock and rest up so he can scare the crap out of someone else tomorrow night. Go to bed ~ you have the ghost of Todd's snowman standing guard.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

You are a wonderful person.

[swankyfunk.livejournal.com]

I empathize wholeheartedly. I've had my share of having to kill large multi-legged nasties, whimpering and cursing with fright and disgust all the way. Luckily this summer was nasties-free. I wouldn't have been able to kill a big spider that jumped, though. Hell, I'm even afraid of the teeny tiny spiders that jump (they're actually kind of cute, until they jump ON you).

I have a traumatizing spider story from when I was little and visiting the Philippines. My grandmother's house had an outhouse in the backyard, and when I say backyard, I mean banana trees and coconut trees and all sorts of foliage. So one time I opened the door and saw a BIG BROWN HAIRY SPIDER chillin' on the wall just above the toilet seat. "Aw, HELL naw," I said (well, not really, Will Smith wasn't famous yet) and I held my pee and looked for another bathroom.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

Ugh, see? This is why I've never been camping. There's too much nature outside. Plus, I was traumatized by television: I heard a statistic that said you are never more than three feet away from a spider. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out places where there weren't any spiders at all, but the only good one I could come up with was outer space.

[swankyfunk.livejournal.com]

And then there's that saying about swallowing spiders in your sleep. It makes me constantly vacuum around my bed to get rid of webs I can't see.

There's actually a spider living in my bathroom right now. A tiny thing, and not the kind that jumps. Its web is near the floor between the heating pipe and the wall. I...don't know what it thinks it's going to catch there, but hey, as long as it stays there and doesn't make a new home near my bed.

[tears-of-nienna.livejournal.com]

You are far, far, far braver than I am. See, if I had seen a spider that size, I would not have been able to approach it with a cup. I would not have been able to blog about it. I would, in fact, still be sitting frozen in place, staring at its hideous, pulsing abdomen. Because if I move, it might SEE ME and POUNCE and SOMEHOW DEVOUR ME.

Logic does not enter into the equation at any time. Ugggggh.

The only time I will deal with a spider is when there is someone more afraid than I am in the room, which is...really frigging rare. ;) And then it gets the tennis-shoe treatment, because that bravery only goes so far.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

And then, of course, some stupidly rational person will always chime in and say, "It's more afraid of you than you are of it!"

I think those people are dirty, dirty liars.

[tears-of-nienna.livejournal.com]

I think those people are dirty, dirty liars.

They are, they are! Look at those twitchy legs and tell me there is not some hideous purpose, some utterly nefarious plot going on behind those eight beady little eyes. *shudder*

[outintherain.livejournal.com]

It JUMPED?

Gah.. Jesus... *shudders*

See, I couldn't kill anything that size... purely because of the proximity that must be necessarily be achieved to kill it... I prefer to greet my spiders from the other end of a long vacuum handle...

That being said, I can keep my peace with anything smaller than a 1 euro coin... I had a spider living in the corner of my bedroom last semester... I called him Bob... I think he died eventually... well, he stopped moving anyway...

I'm usually the spider vanquisher in my household because I am fearless with a vacuum and apparently have no soul... but anything that JUMPS? That's a whole new realm of shit...

[katernater.livejournal.com]

A vacuum cleaner, huh? That's a novel way to get rid of spiders. I think I'd be okay with that method of dispatchment. Of course, the vacuum cleaner we have is one of those with the clear, plastic chambers? No bag, right? So I'd suck the spider and then have to watch it spin around in the chamber, which would be horrible, horrible, horrible.

But I think it's cute that you were on a first name basis with the spider in your bedroom. You're one classy lady.

[outintherain.livejournal.com]

Ohmaigawd ok no... our vacuum is actually older than me, and very much encased in non-transparent plastic...

I like to name things... *is slightly bizarre* I had a George last week actually, but he moved too close to my bed and had to go to vacuum heaven... haha I don't think I have *ever* been called classy before lol...

[handsomespeck.livejournal.com]

I had scorpions and tarantulas as pets when I was a kidlet, so I can't sympathize with the spiders. But we have palmetto bugs here in Florida, which have a misleadingly adorable name. Like, hi, palmetto bug, that sounds so cute!

IN REALITY: they're basically what you'd get if you took everything horrible about a cockroach and amplified it three times, then gave it WINGS. They're bigger than regular house roaches, they're not afraid of the light (so when they rock up into your house, turning the light on will not make them go away. If you turn the light on and listen closely, you can hear them scoffing at you and your puny light defenses), their exoskeletons are like a billion times stronger so they don't just die when you hit them repeatedly with shoes/brooms/baseball bats/minivans, and they're resistant to most roach-killing sprays. Because they're assholes.

There was one that flew into my room the other day, and I seriously hit this motherfucker with half a can of Raid, and then smacked it with (somebody else's, because ew that bug-squish is the worst thing ever, and if it has to be on my floor it definitely isn't going to be on my shoe, too) sandal, and it was still walking around for almost an hour before I busted out the Handy-Vac and went for it. But before I got it into the vacuum, it crawled on top of it and came after my hand. I shrieked and almost threw the vacuum through the wall, but eventually I sucked the stupid thing up and then did the courageous thing, which was put the whole vacuum outside just in case it survived and was going to come back out and get me.

Crap. I'm having PTSD flashbacks now.

I hope your spider is a friendly spider and you two get to have some Disney shenanigans together one day.

[awesomesquared.livejournal.com]

Every spider, to me, has the potential to be Shelob, so I would have immediately screamed and stomped on it. ROFL.

[nerdish.livejournal.com]

I used to be a heartless spider murderer fueled by my deep fear and loathing and maniacally armed with a can of lysol. And then this pesky annoyance came along and I acknowledged my concious.

I can no longer continue my arachnicide. I now capture and release. Unless they're big fucking wolf spiders that decide to join me while I'm showering. And then I drown those mother effers.

[inlaterdays.livejournal.com]

I hate spiders. Hate hate phobic hate hate. God only knows why I chose to go to grad school in Arizona, land of tarantulas and scorpions and wolf spiders and black widows.

D:

I'm in Indiana now, but I still hate spiders.

[katernater.livejournal.com]

Hey! I didn't know you were living in Indiana! Whereabouts?

[inlaterdays.livejournal.com]

Fishers! Just north of Indianapolis.

Are you in Indy too?

[katernater.livejournal.com]

I'm in Fort Wayne -- about an hour-and-a-half to the north. What made you come to Indiana? Do you have family here?

[inlaterdays.livejournal.com]

I moved here for a job - my first Lilly contract :) Also I had / still have friends in the area. And I do now have family too - one of my cousins and his wife - but they moved here after I did :)

[antiquitea.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. Goodnes.

I wouldn't have been able to get through that ordeal without screaming. As whenever I see a spider, some sort of noise escapes me. I've slept in the living room due to finding spiders in my room. Can. Not. Stand. Them.

[highlander_ii]

Hey - I'll take spiders over those annoying crickets that don't die, but eat everything in sight. The camel-backs. You can't squish 'em b/c they're too fast, so you have to trap them under a cup and suffocate them.

And spiders - they eat those nasty mosquitoes and flies and other icky things you don't want to fool with, so keep 'em around for that, at least.

[juryrig.livejournal.com]

You should never be embarrassed by that. Spiders are a legitimate, jumping-across-human-bodies-to-escape, phobia for me, so the idea of even thinking about capturing and releasing something like that makes me want to go fluff my blanket (to get rid of any spiders inside, of course) and wrap myself up in it. >_