I think I'm the first person to ever put "antediluvian" and "fink" together to form an insult

Every day in my work, I run into somebody -- a client or a vendor or a fruit stand operator -- who is apparently using the internet for the first time. ("Yeah. Can you send me those attachments as attachments?") I have to be very careful about how I respond. I know I was born into technological privilege (at eight I could already type more words per minute than both of my parents combined) and that I've grown up in an era where access to the internet -- and high technology in general -- is cheap, easy, and expected. But it's difficult not to get frustrated when someone tells me that I didn't send them attachments as attachments and, would I mind terribly sending attachments as attachments? And of course, I have to re-type my reply three or four times because everything that I initially respond with sounds condescending and e-litist:

Well, have you tried clicking the little button that says 'DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENTS'?

Did the night school you got your Associate Degree at not cover the ins-and-outs of Microsoft Mail?

HAVE YOU EVER EVEN USED A COMPUTER BEFORE, YOU ANTEDILUVIAN FINK!?

Until I finally distill it down to:

Let me ask the web team.

I just know that this is all going to come back to bite me, though. Fifty years from now, when I'm struggling to send holomail, I'm going to call up Global Tech Support Inc.©™®☺ and the twentysomething on the other end (a guy from New New New Delhi, probably) will bitch and moan about old people not keeping up with the times. Then we'll have come full circle. Eh.

For some reason, I like to imagine that parachute pants will be back in style at this point. IN A BIG WAY.

What will you do, or what should you do, if a bird knocks over your dominoes?

My god, just watching the intro to "QI" makes me want to gobble up all the information in the world so I can suddenly be as knowledgeable (and as well-mustachioed) as Stephen Fry.

Children, if you can only emulate one gay man during your entire lifetimes, please do us all a courtesy and emulate Stephen Fry. He's simply the bee's knees.

I'm wearing a silk cravat right now, actually. And writing very punctilious letters to The Daily Mail. Actually, I'm eating a sandwich. And I may or may not be wearing any clothes.