Oh man! Look at those cavemen go!

In the words of affablestranger, things proceed apace. I have not been as active on LJ as in the past (mostly because of schedules, and because Tumblr offers immediate Web-based gratification), but I have been keeping up with my friends page and my thoughts are with those of you who are going through difficult and/or trying times in your own lives.

The last few weeks have been, well, an emotional fencing match, I suppose. I've been very busy with my last semester of graduate school, trying to put things into place following graduation (which, at the end of this month, will be less than two months away) and trying to spend as much time as possible doing things to be kind to myself. Even so, certain things slip through the cracks -- updating LJ for one -- and I've come down with the first symptoms of my bi-annual cold, which makes everything a little more difficult.

I've been more than a little introspective since I went home the last time. I guess it's a combination of an upcoming birthday (which I keep forgetting about), and the fact that so many other things are coming to an end. The semester, my graduate work, the chance to use "continuing my education" as a legitimate excuse to avoid joining the real world again. I know I've said it before, but getting a Master's degree was sort of, you know, the big thing, the one plan, I had for my early adult life. Beyond that, I never really planned for any real...career. I enjoy teaching ESL more than I ever thought I would, and it would ideal if I could teach after graduation. Outside of that? I'm really not sure. I was having a conversation with an old college friend this weekend, and we both wondered the same thing -- at what point in your adult life are you supposed to be the person you'll be for the rest of your life? You know, when you've sort of settled into who you are, and where your strengths and weaknesses lie. There are so many times when I feel like I'm just pretending at this whole "adult responsibility" thing; like, at any moment, someone's going to come along and call me out on the fact that I have no real clue as to where to go from here.

It's like, when I'm teaching, I'm thinking, is this it? Is this what I'm supposed to be? It feels good. But is there something else? Or when I'm writing, or discussing books, or talking about traveling to other countries, there's always a part of me that's attempting to consolidate all of those interests into something -- a job, a mission -- that can sustain me for the next forty years. Everything was charted out for me until after graduate school. Now, with the big, wide world out there, I have no more excuses. I've got to join. Make a contribution. Sometimes I'm afraid that being a student will be the only thing I'll ever by any good at.

Ridiculous, right? There's a whole world out there, waiting for me. I know enough to get by (or, at least make it appear that I do) and there are so many things that I am looking forward to doing while I am young. I just wish some of this indecision would go away, so I can get on with it.