Buy one beatdown, get one FREE

Okay. Christmas shopping in spiked heel boots? Not the best idea I've ever had. Starting out, I was really excited about the prospect of being able to knock off everyone on my Christmas list and I endeavored to stack my arms (and stretch my credit limit) at Ye Olde Malle with as much holiday cheer as I possibly could. I did okay for a while. But somewhere between The Buckle and Linens N' Things, my jocularity waned and I became "that guy" who sits out on the bench while his wife (in this case, my mother) goes from shop to shop. The best part was when my mom was in the photo frames store (cleverly named "Off The Wall") and I ended up having a great conversation with two other guys who happened to be sitting on the bench directly behind me:

Guy #1: God, I hate this place.
Guy #2: My wife just took me to [sic] thirty stores looking for one of those Magic things. You know, you put the fruit in it and it 'fzzzzz' whatever.
Me: [peering over the back of the bench] ...The Magic Bullet?
Guy #2: Yeah, that's it.
Me: I really want one of those, but I'm not going to club shoppers like seals to be able to get one.
Guy #1: That would make the mall better, I think.
Me: What, clubbing people?
Guy #1: Yeah.
Me: They could offer it in their marketing materials!
Guy #2: That would make me shop more.
Guy #1: Me too.

Merry Christmas, honey! Here's a Magic Bullet and an aluminum bat! Twenty-five swings says 'Happy birthday, Jesus!'