Jun. 13th, 2011

katernater: (thrones • (winter))
Back from hiatus and, though I have not been actively posting here, I have been following my friends' page and trying to keep up with everything that's been happening ([livejournal.com profile] farstepper, I'm looking at you in particular and sending best wishes for a speedy recovery). So far, what I have been able to ascertain is that a new X-Men movie came out and more than half of you are excited about it, and the other half of you are watching Game of Thrones (which I am excited about), but that no matter who you are or what you're watching, you all find James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender incredibly attractive. I have not been able to get out to see X-Men: First Class yet, mostly because I am not really sure where the theater in this town is located. And because I still feel weird about going to see movies by myself. The only two movies I've seen on my own have been Iron Man and Thor (while I was home for the last term break) and that was okay because the chances of me running into someone I knew were rather slim back home. Here, I'm paranoid that I'm going to go to the theater and there's going to be a whole crowd of my students there, and I will have to explain why it's not weird for a twenty-seven-year-old woman to go to the theater by herself to watch Professor X and Magneto try to get into each other's X-suits.

My refrigerator has not been refrigerating lately. I've had a bunch of food go off because the temperature hasn't been low enough to keep things fresh. And, get this, my brain has been in such a state lately that I've actually thought I was faking myself out about it. Like, there's no way that this fridge couldn't be refrigerating; it has to be my imagination. But after I bought fresh strawberries and they went off a few days later, I knew I had to make a call. I got in touch with maintenance while I was at work this afternoon and by the time I got home they had installed a brand new refrigerator. They had even arranged all of my stuff in the new one! I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to drink water that is not room temperature.

I guess the whole refrigerator problem is indicative of how things have been going for me lately. Not that I'm falling behind or freaking out, but there just seems to be a lot more pressure riding on this term than there was before. I've started waking up in the wee small hours of the morning with ideas for lesson plans. When my alarm goes off I can't remember them. To my credit, I'm taking more responsibility and initiative than I have in the past. At work and in class, I want to make sure that I am on target with the expectations of the program so I have been checking in more than usual, making sure that my superiors are aware of the trajectory of my class and my impressions of problematic students. All of this cross-checking and attention to minutia wears me down though, and by the end of the week I'm pretty much good for nothing but a good collapse into bed. At the same time I'm making a conscious effort to break out of my comfort zone by saying "yes" to outside activities that would usually put me off. This weekend, for instance, the school is taking a trip to an amusement park. I think I might go, if only to chaperone. I haven't been on a rollercoaster since high school. It's so weird, because I like to think of myself as this gregarious, outgoing person a lot of the time but there are just so many occasions when I fall back on seclusion rather than take a risk by going out with other people. I'm trying to train myself to not immediately shut down when invited to do things; I'm twenty-seven and I have been "safe" for a lot of my life. Not that I'm signing up for recklessness lessons or anything, but I don't want to look back on my life in ten years and regret not making the effort to go out and do things.

After work I went to get my hair cut for the summer. They took off about two-and-a-half inches of length, added some layers and framed my face. I think it looks pretty good. It also felt kind of like a transition exercise: getting rid of something heavy and old in order to be lighter, different. There are so many signs of change around me that I felt like a physical manifestation of that change would help me to accept it more readily.

Plus, if I fluff it out I've kind of got a 'Joan Jett' thing goin' on.

I am also making a conscious effort to take better care of myself, physically. I have begun an exercise regimen and started watching my diet. I am already feeling better. If I can manage the physical I feel like it will be a gateway to understanding the emotional and the psychological. Ultimately, I've got to be proactive in my own life. I have to trust myself and my instincts, allow myself to have emotions and to get frustrated when I'm frustrated. I've been reading a lot more. Praying a lot more. Singing and dancing a lot more. And I'm doing it for myself. The process is incremental and a lot of the time it seems I'm no further along the path to understanding myself than I was a year or two ago. But I'm getting there. I don't think I'll ever fully understand why I am the way that I am, but I hope to be able to find peace with that person and that I will come to love myself for who I am. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that.


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December 2011

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